I'm gonna serve myself a piece of peace.

So last night I went to a gathering, organized via facbook, that was to be a bit of a tribute to Martin Luther King, (it was his day yesterday), and participants were asked to bring a thought or item that brought them peace. I was seriously hoping that everyone who had checked that they would be attending would actually attend, because I really wanted to just be an observer, and I was hoping that enough people would be there to talk and share and I could just soak it all in. But the snow was flying, making the roads treacherous so the group was small. I really couldn't find an item to bring with me that brought me peace, nor could I narrow down just one thing that I felt provided me with peace. So I just thought it would be good to be in the presence of others with the mindset that peace begins with oneself, and I wanted to hear their stories.
Interesting that when I was asked directly how I find peace, and the first thing that came to mind and out of my mouth, was being alone. Someone asked if it was different than loneliness, and we discussed that it's possible to feel alone even while among a huge group of people. Which to me is probably one of the worst feelings ever. Been there done that. I shared that I don't really ever feel lonely. At least not in the traditional sense, but I didn't go on to discuss my theories of why I don't get lonely, and maybe I will in the course of this blog post, but maybe not.
I explained why I liked being alone. One of the reasons is because my job as home care nurse is one of those emotionally draining jobs. It just goes with the territory. I explained that I'm also a Reiki Practitioner, I can and do often feel other people's energies, and I get antsy and uneasy with the vibes some people give off. Whether it's at work (at a patient's home, in the office, at the grocery store, or while eating lunch in a local restaurant).
I thought I explained myself rather well at the group, but the next morning while showering I realized that my sense of peace when being alone is a total cop out!
Of course it's easy to find peace when all alone! There is nothing to distract from my own good heart, my own good intentions, my own seeds of hope!
And to prove that I do understand the concept of peace, I offer these photos, taken in my living room, (and no, I'm obviously not a professional photographer)

I've been accused at work of being "Miss Mary Sunshine", even though my name is not Mary nor do I wear the color of the sun, yellow, ever. Of course the person calling me that was not always complimenting me I don't think. But I just refuse to get bothered by little stuff. Especially much of my own little stuff. Ya know what I mean right? Like I could walk around all the time just listening to the negative tape recorded messages in my mind. But I've changed that. Oh, it's still there inside me, but I've changed my way of thinking. I also have this other tape in my mind. It's the good one. It's the one I found after my last divorce. The one I found when I realized I not only had very little self esteem, but I was like in the negative zone of self esteem! 

If you don't know me, you don't know the story, and so I'll tell it to you in a very condensed form. I was unhappily married for a long time. Now, if you are a person who believes that divorce is a sin, I'm suggesting you stop reading right now. What's a sin in my mind is not living up to our potential. Being miserable and making someone else miserable. I also believe it's possible to have more than one soul mate in this lifetime. But that's a whole 'nother blog. 

Let me get back to my story. So, there I was, all unhappily married. In my early 40's, recently graduated from nursing school and practicing nursing at the local hospital. A yoga studio had recently opened, by one of my high school classmates and her daughter. I started going to yoga classes. Not easy those yoga classes when one has spent most of her life trying to attain and maintain physical fitness through step aerobics and lifting weights. 

I had only been to one or two classes when during the beginning of shavasana, the instructor guided us to take a deep inhale, while thinking "I am", and then she said to exhale, and before she could say the next part of the mantra, my mind said "fat and ugly", so when she said "Peace", I started to cry. I cried because I wondered to myself how and why did I get to a place in life that had me thinking I was fat and ugly instead of realizing the beautiful creature of light and energy that I am?

 Now, I'm not blaming my feelings and thoughts on anyone other than myself, it wasn't my spouse's fault I felt that way, it wasn't the unhappy marriage that had me thinking that way. I've had many years to contemplate this, I've read all the books, I've attended seminars and weekend retreats, I've been to counseling, I've done it all and I probably will continue to do all that.

I'm much more of the mindset to accept sole responsibility for my own thoughts than to give that power to anyone else, or to place blame on someone else. I'm not saying that some things don't tie in together, I'm just saying life and the pursuit of peace within one's heart and mind is much easier if one at least starts by owning up to what is in their head and hearts. At least that's how it worked for me.

So what I did was to start to change that tape recording in my head. I would purposefully and willfully notice those negative thoughts and self talk, and very deliberately I started to incorporate different thoughts. Over and over and over. To the point to that I would feel it and believe it, if only for a second, which would turn into a minute, and then the minutes would come together. And if I didn't really feel it, I pretended I did. I often give people the advice to fake it till you make it. It works. For oh so many things! What also works is making each moment be what you want it to be. It does not matter what happened 17 minutes ago. Right now is a beautiful moment. Right now I have everything I need. My breath. My body. My compassion. A roof over my head. Shoes on my feet. Right now the Universe wants me to be happy. Right now I am happy. 

I think I've come away from my sense of peace a bit, and I'm ready to get back to it.

I AM PEACE.